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Saturday, April 26, 2014

26 (A Personal View on Miscarriage)

26.  Yes, that's correct.  Twenty-Six.

This huge, ridiculous, appalling number represents the babies I didn't have.

Some people call them "miscarriages," as if their precious little hearts never beat and their brains never sent miraculous waves of energy pulsing through their sweet, tiny bodies. But I can't reduce them to "tissue" that was never meant to be.  They're my children. . .even if I didn't get the chance to raise them.

And I miss them all.  Deeply.

I'm not sure I'll ever know the "why" behind such a large number of losses.  I'm not sure I need to.  Along the way, I've been told all sorts of odd things from "it was clearly some lesson that I was supposed to learn" and "I was just getting fodder for a great testimony and ministry to hurting women" through to "it was because I was too dumb to know when to call it quits!"  Hmmm.  Not sure I buy any of that.

I believe we live in a broken world. . .there's disease and dysfunction and all sorts of environmental impacts on our health.  And don't get me started on the rubbish we ingest under the guise of 'food!'  All that and a good dose of bad genetics meant I had a pretty dodgy fertility road to travel.

So what other people said along the way sort of slid off my back. . .I don't believe that my God would EVER create a series of excruciating losses merely to 'teach me a lesson' or 'give me a ministry.'  That's not the character of my God.

And I don't know that my husband and I were 'too dumb to know when to quit,' either.  Loss and grief are processed by each person in a different way.  We knew ourselves and our marriage well enough to know how long we could travel down this particular road without irreparable harm.  We took each day and each loss as it came and made the best choices for our particular set of circumstances.

Our path wasn't for everyone.  I know that.

Nor do I judge anyone choosing a different journey.  There's no point.

But I have learned this from our precious 26: life is not a given. . .for ourselves, our children, for anyone.  And how we deal with loss and love and our own choices is an intensely personal process.

So, if you have (or had) your own journey of grief to walk, or if you know someone who is on that road, be gentle.  Let grief and hope and healing happen in whatever way and in whatever time frame it needs to.  Healing and joy will come again.  I promise.

Even if you carry 26 little holes in your heart.

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